Self Care and Deep Knowing

On Thursday, February 20, 2025 at 9:30pm there was a knock on the door. Faintly registering the knock from the cozy nest of my bed, I left the business of answering the knock to my night owl husband Ed. Semiconscious curiosity did not prevent me from drifting back to sleep. Until Ed came to tell me I needed to get dressed, the police were here to talk to me.

Let me be clear- this is not a good moment. I grumble out of my bed in the dark scrambling to pull on the clothes I shed thirty minutes before when my world felt calm, full of predictable and often noted gratitude. “Ellen, we’re sorry to let you know that we are here to notify you that your brother Patrick Mahoney appears to have taken his own life.”

Forged in the fires of too many brothers lost, there is some sort of morose comfort in knowing the immediate next steps. The Peaks Island Officers for The Portland Police were kind, supportive and appropriate. I am deeply grateful for their professionalism. After talking with the authorities in the State of Washington the Peaks Island Police left and I began notifying my siblings and my family.

Since that time the real work of trying to figure out what this means to me, to our family and to the greater consciousness of addiction and the mental health crisis in the United States and in my family remains. The loss of one life touches many. The loss of one life in this way touches so many more. I will not vilify him, his choices or what this means to us all. To do so will sullen his memory and the life time of memories and experiences shared with Patrick.

My mind wants to tidy this up in some reasonable perspective… part of my nature for sure. To plow forward and show the world and my family that we endure by taking in the tragedy and using this to reframe the way we experience the world. I will, but not yet.

Lessons learned over time tell me with this deep level of feeling and experience exist- slow down. Way down. In the coming days, weeks and months there will be time to gracefully fold this into creating what will come next.

For now friends- I’m taking a break. There is much to do. There is so much beauty in this world. I’ll be seeking it out for a bit while also tending to the business at hand. Settling my brothers Patrick’s affairs and caring for my family- there will always be music and dance.

But for a time… others will be doing the organizing and promoting. I’ll be taking some time with my family to heal… you can be sure that music and dance will be a big part of that process.