What I’ve Learned With DOG as my Co-Pilot

Almost one year ago Cosmo was diagnosed with cancer. A diagnosis that was not immediately terminal, but likely metastatic and over time would consume him. The treatment offered at the time was amputation. Cosmo had just turned thirteen. On that cold pandemic heightened day, my hope was that Cosmo would live until the girls got home from their respective life adventures in Colorado and Ireland. 

I got my wish. Cosmo lived. His tumors grew, his energy lessened. For the most part he was happy to exercise his lungs (read: bark) and hang around the house. He loved his daily romps along the shore and in the woods. Cosmo loved adventures.  

Lately Cosmo’s energy had significantly lessened. While out on walks he would often just stop walking. Not one to always understand subtle and not so subtle clues, I’d continue my stride. Cosmo had developed an awesome aikido-like move where he would wriggle his head imperceptibly and POOF! Off would come his collar. Granted Cosi’s collar was loose given a large tumor on his neck that was prone to irritation- still, it was a not-so-subtle message to end the walk. However, unleashed (sorry, not sorry peaks island) on the beach or in the woods he was his old self. Bounding off to explore wherever his wolf-spirit lead. We had one of those walks yesterday. 

Over the past few days Cosmo fell down the stairs twice. He then had a seizure. I began to consider if this was a series of not-so-subtle messages that it was time for his suffering to end. A decision I do not regret making but hated to make. Cosmo was a very patient teacher. 

The thing is, my dog adored me- all of us really. In my most unadorable moments he stood by my side. He trusted me. He was an ever-present reminder that everything was going to be just fine. Never once did he give me the message that I was annoying. I cannot say the same. He reminded me that everyday getting outside and getting some exercise was really important for us both. He was patient about meals, perfectly satisfied to eat the same exact food twice daily for his entire life. The other beings in my home are less accommodating in that regard. 

Cosmo didn’t care if I had unrealistic expectations for appropriate behavior. He didn’t seem to notice. He did his best regardless of my opinion. He loved me none the less completely. He helped me see the world through dog’s eyes. He helped me understand the simple pleasure of just being. Cosmo’s needs were simple and straight forward. His expectations were non-existent. 

Cosmo helped me practice gratitude daily. He was insistent on enjoying life. He took pleasure in the simplest things. Hanging around the fire, the garden the yard, going for a walk or playing a game. Really, he just liked to be included in the mix. He was the living reminder to chill out. When confronting a painful or difficult life situation, Cosmo was there. He didn’t judge, he bore witness. He’d encourage me to go outside. Reminding me that regardless of the weather, embracing the daily practice of stepping outside had changed my life. He held me to that practice. Fresh air I’ve found, builds capacity to cope with life on life’s terms. I’ve learned that lesson. My dog was my daily coach. Cosmo taught me lots of practical skills over these past fourteen years.

I’ve had several dogs throughout my life. Good dogs each and every one. I loved them all. In reality I saw my other dogs as something to care for. I don’t think I ever gave any of them the opportunity to show me how they could care for me. Cosmo did that- and maybe Sandy my first dog given to me as a gift one early Christmas morning.

I am certain that Cosmo came into my life to remind me of the gifts in simplicity. He was my side kick. We both became better beings together. He responded as dogs will when giving lots of care and attention. He was a good dog. Loving, gentle and kind. Cosmo look and behaved like a fluffy stuffed toy.  Until he thought there was a threat to us- then watch out! Full on wolverine mode. He was such a good dog. His shortcomings were a matter of lax training. He was inherently good. My shortcomings are more complicated.  He loved me anyway. Today I feel lost. My heart hurts. I’m crying real, big, messy, wracking, sobbing tears. My hear is broken wide open. I know who to just who to thank for that gift of humanity, that absolute depth of love and loss. I’m headed out for a walk. Today I will honor your life doing the thing you loved the best. I will continue to practice the lessons you taught me and try to live up to your amazing memory. Cosi loved the rain. I loved Cosi.